Drug Testing

Drug testing. Necessary? Sure. Awkward? Yes.

Today I had the first drug test of my life that included a stopwatch. It’s not bad or anything, but it was really strange. And before you worry about me, my health, or the stopwatch, just know that I successfully passed the test. There were no worries of that. But there were worries during the test. Here’s why:

1. The nurse informed me that I had to deliver the specimen for minutes after closing the bathroom door.
2. I wasn’t supposed to “dilly-dally,” I was supposed to serve it up warm.
3. The water was shut off in the bathroom so I couldn’t flush the toilet or wash my hands after producing the specimen.
4. The toilet water was blue. This was just distracting. I like blue liquids so I wanted to stare at the water in the toilet bowl but couldn’t because that would waste time.
5. The specimen had to be pretty high up in the cup.
6. Did I mention that the nurse was using a stopwatch to time how long it took me to pee in the cup?

I was stressed out when I realized that I had only four minutes to pee in the cup. “What if I can’t go that much in four minutes?” I asked.

Well, we sit you down and make you drink a bunch of water for three hours and then you try again.”

Three hours of drinking water and waiting in the doctor’s office? I shifted into panic mode. “Is there any way I can drink some water first?” I asked.

“Of course,” she said as she rushed away. She came back twice, each time with a 16 ounce Styrofoam cup of ice-cold water.

I drank the water, wiggled in my chair, went into the bathroom, and reappeared with the specimen intact. Then came the final paperwork, the waiting, and the all-clear.

All this happened in the first hour of my “work day.” When you start out with something like this, how could it be anything but the best day?

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