I have a cold. It’s pretty gross. I mean, what cold isn’t gross. A cold consists of icky snot stuck up your nose, cat scratches down your throat, and warm temperatures on your forehead that make that skinboard on your face uber-shiny. Colds are just gross.
Today, though I had a cold, I had to go to work. I’m a substitute teacher and I’m pretty sure substitutes can’t call for substitutes, at least not here in Nampa. If I were to skip school, I would have left the kids alone in the carpeted halls of Nampa High School and that would have been… not good.
I suffered throughout my day by making the kids read all of the passages in the textbook. I mean, why would I ruin what little voice I had left when they had the voices to struggle through the text of The Odyssey with freshman struggles. By not taking my turn reading, I was able to catch students listening to their mp3 players and all students followed along, knowing that their turn would come.
At lunchtime, I headed to the staff lounge. I sat down next to Rhonda. When she asked me how I was doing, I gave her a very Ukrainian answer. “I have a cold.” Ukrainians don’t give American answers like, “Oh, I’m fine” or “Super” even when things are icky. They tell you exactly how it is and then tell you more of the gruesome details.
Well, Rhonda told me she was sorry (Unneeded: We should show empathy but not apologize for others’ sicknesses). Then she started telling me about a friend of hers who has a natural remedy for a cold that cures immediately. It requires honey and Q-tips. You swirl honey all over the end of the Q-tips and then stick them as far up your nose as they will go and the cold is gone immediately. My verbal response: “I’m not sticking Q-tips up my nose.” My internal response: I’m not an idiot. The reason the cold was gone immediately is because the person killed herself by sticking Q-tips up her nose. Either that or she scrambled her brains, creating an even bigger problem so the cold wasn’t the big issue anymore.
I have a cold. I’m not going to do anything drastic like shoving honeyed Q-tips up my nose. I’d prefer to sleep in until eleven, drink tea all day, and consume a reasonable amount of chocolate. That should cure me right up.
Tata for now.