When I was on high school, I went on zero dates. If you knew me in high school, you would know that this wasn’t actually that strange. I was funny, quirky, friendly, outgoing, and awkward as hell. I was the girl you knew immediately because of her loud personality and all the clubs she was in, but you probably wouldn’t ask out on a date because she was both strange and had bad hair. Yeah. That was the truth.There were other reasons I never went on a date in high school. One of my friends and I made a pact: we were going to wait until we were in college to date because high school boys were lame. (Insert chuckle here. I love the way awkward high school girls rationalize their inability to attract the opposite sex.)
Because I had all this free time on my hands due to the whole, not dating thing, I had plenty of time to read Jane Austen novels, Jesus fan-fiction chick lit, and catch up on all my favorite Disney animated movies in which the princess waits for that foot-popping kiss with her prince.
I also had plenty of time to plan the dumbest, most ridiculous ways in which I would one day snag a guy or know that my true prince had come. There are four that I still remember – two of them because they just popped back into my world this week.
Number One: I would know that I had found my prince when he brought me a dozen purple roses. I told my best friends this one in high school and when I turned 16 during my sophomore year, my friend Sarah’s mom ordered a dozen purple carnations for me and put a “Love your secret admirer” note with the vase. Lacey revealed that it was actually from all of them so I wasn’t allowed to be too disillusioned.Number Two: I would have found my true love when we arranged a meeting near a lamppost. My cousin Penny and I came up with this at a family reunion in McMinnville. We were talking about how love and relationships work out and how you even get a date so we imagined attractive, interesting man arranging meetings with us in the park at night, “Meet me at the lamppost.” Not only do I find it creepy that we wanted our first dates to be in dark parks with guys we barely knew, but it has also left me finding lampposts to be pretty romantic objects for years.
Number Three: My perfect guy would buy me a really cool water pitcher. I don’t know why or how I came up with this one, but I did. When I lived in Eugene and started to realize that love/long-term relationships may not be headed my way, I finally invested in my own glass water pitcher. I almost chucked it when I moved into my new place in Corvallis, but I figured I should keep it for a little while just so I felt, you know, fulfilled or whatever.
Number Four: Love letters were the trick. My friends and I were always crazy romantics. Not only were we the girls who wrote notes to one another in school, but we figured that we could write fake love letters to guys we liked and life and love would turn out the way we planned. When cleaning out my trunk the other day, I found one such letter. My friend Abby wrote it and it’s a supposed letter from me. Honestly, I’m not sure that a letter like this would work on the guys I am attracted to, but you know… when you’re 16 and a girl, you can be pretty stupid. Here’s the text:
My dearest love,
Being away from you has given me great heartache. I’ll never forget our first intimate phone conversation as we talked on and on about Idaho potatoes. My dearest darling, when I saw your face after our last departure my heart skipped a beat. How I longed for the moment you would call my name. Your tall body sticking out like a pine in the forest never seems to be hard to search out. I wait longingly every night for you to come and take me away with you into the mist of oblivian. Until that day my love, I will wait patiently for your return into my arms.
Your most devoted servant,
Sharece M. Bunn
Yeah. I’m pretty sure the two of us could have used a swift dose of reality or perhaps a history lesson on women in the late 18th and early 19th century in America just to make us a little smarter.
Upon reflection, I realize that even though I get that the four examples to “true love discovered” above may be stupid and unrealistic, any expectations may be unrealistic. Granted, my friend Abby has become this crazy relationship guru and claims that you must always keep a clear head and avoid getting your heart broken, etc. (which I tend to not always listen to). But I still think that there are no real, true clues to how relationships work. Yes, I started reading the books that are supposed to prepare you for the broken heart/signs that things aren’t working, but I also believe that there are many shining examples of relationship anomalies that no matter how you try to reason, just don’t make any sense. I mean, seriously, how do we even come up with the idea that two people are “made for each other?” That’s just crazy talk. I think the lamppost and flower idea make more sense than that.
Until next time.