I want my life to be like an 80s movie. Yes, I totally stole this from Easy A, but the thing is that I absolutely one hundred percent want a relationship with the grand gestures and insane cheesiness apparent in every ending of a John Hughes film. I know that life doesn’t usually work this way, but in the last few months, it’s been good to discover the fact that for me, I need the cheesy. I can’t play the games.
When you are a thirty-year-old woman, most people assume that you have a moderate amount of dating experience. When you don’t, they don’t really know how to treat you or whether or not there are certain rules or guidelines. There are no rules or guidelines, but one thing is for certain: A woman who has remained single for most of the thirty years of her life is pretty established in her frame of mind and the way she relates to people.
Let me explain what I mean with that.
I am a very caring person. I love much, often, and will pretty much give a hug to anyone who needs one (as long as I know the person’s name and the setting is appropriate). After hearing one story from someone, I start to care. I remember that story, make whatever associations I need to, and begin to paint a picture of that person in my head. I love art so the mental pictures I paint are always detailed with lots of color and intrigue. That’s just the way I work: I meet a person and I begin to care about that person and how I can help support and relate to him or her. It’s tough though. Not all people want to be understood. I’ve learned that with my years as a teacher. I reach out and try to get students involved in the subject matter, but sometimes there is other stuff going on. I’ve had to adapt the way I talk to students and other people a lot. In fact, I feel as if I adapt my approach with each new relationship: as no two people are identical, you can’t approach two individuals the same way and expect the same response.
In the past few months, I’ve really tried to work my way through how I deal with relationships and why I act the way I do and that’s when I realized that part of my flight response in the past has been because of my caring nature I wrote about above. When you care a lot, some people don’t know what to do with that so they push you away. I could do what my best friend suggests and act aloof and indifferent until a guy comes beating down my door to ask me out. But that’s not me. I’m not an aloof kind of girl. I care. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am who I am and that’s just the way it works.
Some days, I’m convinced that all people in relationships are kidding themselves, that relying on someone else and believing that somehow two are better than one is crazy. Then there are days that I feel the butterflies, the excitement, and I just want to listen to One Direction or the Blue Umbrella and dance in the rain. I am both of those people. I love love and yet am confused by the very idea of it. I’m sure that when relationships work out and people are truly committed and happy together, they get some form of clarity. For me, here in the single world, there is no clarity, only a strange, dense fog blocking the road ahead, confusing my path.
I want my life to be like an 80s movie, because at least in 80s movies, we know there is a happy ending, a great song, a promising tomorrow. Here in the real world, things just don’t seem to follow that mold.
Tata for now.